my indecision
born of shadow
a cake i longed to eat
a marraige ceremony of the mind
then divorcing me from my senses
I sought refuge in the cave
there, amidst the callers
entered she
i being the confused one i once was
sought her approval through the usual means
charm, casual entertainment, smart witts
she laughed
but not in delight
it was more like disgust
UN-THRILLED
in fact she exited through the same door of longing
that she had entered
a door that would never disappear
no matter how many of them ignored it.
eventually the dice were re-thrown
I found myself wandering through a dark wasteland
a city,
built
on desolation, and left in the same manner
the shades meanwhile mutating together like
huddled football players, creating a most formidable beast.
the samurai in me laughed
bring it on
i thought
finally a challenge i can face
and slice i did
straight through the dimming hordes defeaning roars
ALL shrunk and ALL fell
but as they fell
slithering like etheric slugs back to the caves of their creation
a wave of confusion swept over me,
no joy, in this victory,
no relief, no sense of pride.
instead, I lay, prostrate before the mountainous altar of a half stone remnant.
hands between my face and the earth
who gathered the salty lakes that dripped from my upturned palms
then again she entered
this time seemingly amused at my present state of hopelesness
a part of me wanted to make excuses, to explain away the
emptiness that had somehow defeated me through my own victory.
i wanted to hide my tears
but i did not
her presence however, forced me to become aware,
I ceased weeping and listened,
and,
it was, as if, I could see myself through a lenz outside of my body
a way of perception (I mused) only SHE could grant.
oh sweet death!
the words rose up, entering my conciousness, not a statement born of me,
were they her words?
was I going mad?
and then she spoke
“it’s not like before” she said
“you can never win me,
am I a prize? am I a plaything for your senses?”
the question I realized was a tool for my awakening.
a koan, from the lips of my beloved.
what is it you seek? she asked
I, I don’t know, I…
I seek to love you,
to… know HOW, to love you.
she replied
“If you seek to love me
then what you seek is joy.
I can show you joy, but I cannot give you joy,
for my joy is a beast
she is my own beast, but I, do not OWN her
she is your beast as well,
she belongs to all.
she is a beast of 3 heads and nine legs
she will come whenever you call her
she’ll give you whatever you seek
but there’s a price to pay for her comfort…”
“what price?” I asked, “I NEED her”
then she said
“you must not play the games of humans
with her,
she dances on a stage ALL long to dance on,
but few do,
she does not do well with entertainment
for the sake of entertainment,
she is not a geenie in a bottle
she is FREE to give to any and all
or none”
her heart is born of your heart
from a flame.
the same flame that I possess
the one that burns through
the calousness of
your ritualized courting procedures.
there are no mechanistic actions that will win her,
she seeks your truth, as it is,
your reality, the bleeding fire of your very essence.
This is why you SEE me
now, in this state
in THIS state
we may all
dance together
on THIS stage
but hear my words
do not forget how you have arrived here
do not forget what states of being
brought you to this place
for, it is ONLY
through your continued remembrance
that we meet
play with her
this beast called joy
but only in remembrance
with the fire of your blood
with the tears of your essence.
through the eyes
of your open heart.”
and so she spoke
and so I knew, as I know now
the nature of my longing.
